Peeing in Your Wedding Dress By Your Own Damn Self

Things I love: Fluffy wedding dresses, staying hydrated, my bridesmaids.

Things I don't love: Having the third help me handle the first in order to deal with the consequences of the second. 

I figured this trick out just prior to my wedding, as my dress was (as you can see) particularly unruly and I didn't really love the idea of employing a small army to help me keep it out of the toilet water (though my bridesmaids were willing, bless 'em.) Had it been a bit easier to get in and out of, I might have just taken it off, but no- that was a complicated, multi-person operation as well, involving a whole bunch of lacing and carefully placed safety pins and chicken cutlets- not to mention being topless in a public restroom.

And of course, I'm the kind of person who has to pee every thirty minutes, and more often when I'm nervous. And as a confirmed germaphobe, I was definitely NOT doing this, especially with tights on.

Luckily this little trick is cheap and amazingly effective- plus it's easy to stash some extra trash bags in the bathroom, or find some at most venues if you run out. (A garment bag works well too, and lets you skip Step 3 since it already has an extra hole.)


Step 1: Start with a poofy dress.

Step 2: Add a large, sturdy trash bag.

Step 3: Tear a hole in the bottom of the trash bag that is just wide enough to fit your feet through. Aim to keep it small- it will expand as you pull it up your legs, but you want it to fit tightly.

Step 4: Step into the bag and pull your feet through the hole. This is WAY easier if you take your heels off, but in case of super gross bathroom floors, it can be done. Stand near a wall so you don't topple, though.

Step 5: Pull the top of the bag up and start loading your dress-fluff into it, while keeping your feet pretty close together so you don't widen the hole too much. Some of the dress-fluff will inevitably try to escape through the foot hole, but it's not a big deal and you can just shove it back up in there.

Step 6: Shimmy the bag up your body carefully, making sure to get all the dress-parts, ribbons, trains, etc into the bag.

Step 7: Once the foot-hole is around your waist, you can gather the slack at the top of the bag and hold it in one hand, leaving the other free for... bathroom... tasks.

Voila! Look at you, using the potty all by yourself like a grown-up! Once you're done, just rip that sucker off like the Hulk (make sure you step AWAY from the toilet water first) and go back to your party. (It's not really worth trying to re-use the same bag, since the hole will get all loosey-goosey.)

Disclaimer: If you're wearing a dress that easily creases, I can't promise that this won't wrinkle it a bit...but that might be unavoidable even with bridesmaid assistance.

Also, for anyone interested, my dress was designed by this gal, who I can't recommend highly enough! It also was a lot less dirty and rumpled back then, haha. 

10 Tips for Bridesmaids (especially broke ones)

 

Photo by lizzie photo, who are based in Grand Rapids, MI and absolutely amazing. 

One of my childhood besties got married a few weeks ago and I was honored to be a part of the bridal party. This was my first time as a bridesmaid (despite having gotten married myself a few years ago. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid.) I figure future first-timers could learn some things from my various good and bad decisions.

1. Check the sales rack 
If you're doing one of those "same color, different style" (or vise-versa) things, make sure you check the sales rack. I just happened to find a dress of the right color, in a style I really liked, for waaay under list because they were discontinuing that particular color in that particular style (no rhyme or reason at David's Bridal, but there it is.) It needed to be altered to fit me, but the non-sale dresses would've had to as well. If your bridefriend hasn't dictated a particular store (some brides just say "all black" or give you a color family) then you've got a lot of options. The bridesmaids in my wedding wore dresses from actual J Crew bridesmaids' dresses, to things from Asos (the search-by-color is very handy), to $20 dresses from Forever 21 (in my family, getting stuff cheap is a point of pride, so my sister/maid of honor was sure to let me know that tidbit.) Modcloth is a great site for dresses, too.

2. Budget for alterations
Expect that you'll need them, especially if you're all getting dresses from the same source (not every brand fits every body, after all.) Expect that they will cost as much as or more than the dress. Know that the little sheets they give you that say "Alterations from $XX!" are pretty much lying because it will not be $XX. Also know that it costs extra to preserve the pockets when they're resizing things, but luckily you are not much of a crier and the bridesmaid next to you will probably be nice and put extra tissues in HER pockets just in case ;-)

3. Do everything early
Expect everything to take longer than you think it should. Aim to have your dress/shoes/etc in hand and perfectly sized by two months before the wedding...and that should ensure that you've got in time even if murphy's law kicks your ass. Also the earlier you get started, the more likely you won't get rushed into paying more than you want to for things.

4. Buy shoes that fit
Mine did not. They kept slipping off my heels, even after I put heel grips in. I ended up using fashion tape to tape them to my feet, which worked better than you might expect, but was not ideal. Oh! Also! Bring fashion tape! And rubbing alcohol. Trust me.

5. Have a plan for your boobs
If you're already dropping a wad on alterations you might as well have them put bra cups in your dress. Totally worth the $20 not to have to deal with a strapless bra. Plus, they add a little vavavoom, or at least mine did. But if not that, make sure you've got a boob solution that will work with the dress and not peek out during rambunctious photo sessions.

6. Wear the damn hose
I hemmed and I hawwed soooo much about wearing pantyhose. To me, nude pantyhose speaks of going to the office and/or church in the 90's. But also, I am a dark haired girl with lily-white skin and a predisposition towards ingrown hairs and easy bruising. There is a reason that you don't see pictures of me with bare legs! So hose it was, and it looked fine, and kinda helped keep me warm. I think the key is to aim for something that matches your skin tone (no trying to look tanner) and keep it kinda sheer. The first part is tricky if you're as pale as I am, but they're out there. They were only a problem when I had to remove them on the beach, surrounded by groomsmen, so we could do a toes picture (also probably should've painted my toenails. Prepare for all contingencies!)

7. Plan for the reception
Most brides aren't so 'zilla that they won't let you get a little comfier during the reception. Bring flats in the same color as your ceremony shoes (or at least a coordinating neutral) and a nice sweater that goes well with your dress. You may not need it, but it's good to have. And you WILL need the flats, unless you're some sort of goddamn stepford-wife-club-girl who can dance all night in heels after standing around in them all day.

8. Test drive everything
Try it all on. Your friend's wedding day is NOT the day to learn that your underwear shows through the dress, or to try liquid eyeliner when you've never used it before, or to find out that your shoes give you crazy blisters after ten minutes.

9. DIY what you can, but only if you're competent
If your bridefriend is cool with you doing your own hair/nails/make-up it will save you a bundle. I got my nails done, but did it a day in advance at my own salon instead of paying for the one at the resort which was pricier (and honestly...I probably could've done that same nude manicure myself, as long as I managed to be patient and let the layers dry for once. But it's nice to indulge sometimes.) My hair is so short that I was spared the hairstyling question, and I'm pretty good with make-up after all the self-educating I did for Doomsday Knits. Again, practice in advance, but if you can pull it off, go for it. Everyone's looking at the bride anyway, you just have to look presentable but plain enough to make her look good.

10. Remember why you're there 
Brittany (my friend) was like the chillest, least reality-show-nightmare bride ever so this kind of didn't even apply, but speaking as a former bride... weddings are stressful. Your friend is getting married. She's under a lot of pressure. She's probably obsessing over details that don't truly matter in the grand scheme of things but which seem like extremely grave issues right this very second. As long as she's not pulling this shit, suck it up and remember that she's your friend and you love her, and she will probably be normal again after all this is over.... at least til baby fever hits.



(Bonus Tip: These stupid things are surprisingly fun at bachelorette parties.)

Making Mineral Eye Shadow Your Bitch

So when the girls at NMDL put me off products with talc at just about the time Pinterest put me onto fancy eyeshadows, I started looking around for talc-free formulas. This is not particularly easy, or cheap. Then I found out about the wide world of homemade loose mineral eyeshadows that chicks hawk on etsy for like, $3-5 a pot. And then I got super excited, and then I spent $50 on eyeshadows. If you like your makeup named after Hunger Games characters, you're particularly in luck.

Turns out these little bastards, as pretty and affordable and nontoxic as they are, can be sort of a pain in the ass to use. I'm starting to get a handle on it, though, so I thought I'd share my experience.

The absolute most important thing to know about mineral shadows is this: Mineral shadow + water = paint. This totally changes the game when it comes to application and removal.

- Did you fuck up? Don't try to wipe it away with water. Oil, soap, and make-up remover will take this stuff off no problem, but water will make it stick harder. Oil is great at the end of the day (I use my jojoba mixture) but you're going to want some decent non-oily make-up remover for fixing mistakes. I'm using BWC and it works like a charm (I've heard it's less effective on conventional makeup, but it's fine for what I use.) My main makeup application strategy is to get it all over myself so I look like an uncoordinated clown and then clean up the edges when I'm done, so I was really suffering before I found the BWC stuff. (A lot of makeup removers and remover wipes have parabens which are no good, so, watch out for that.)

- The moisture on your hands will also make it stick a little, which is a major bummer if you're a devoted finger-smudger like me. Wrapping a little piece of tissue around my finger seems to work, or you can just smudge with brushes/sponges/q-tips, etc.

- If you manage to screw your shadow up while you're out and about, you either will have to smudge it around with some tissue, mess with some soap, or you can take the cheater way out like I do and just sort of cover it up with face powder. You could carry makeup remover with you but I'd be worried it would leak. Maybe someday I'll make some homemade wipes. I haven't had too much trouble with it smudging while I'm out, though.

- Now the upside of this water phenomenon: foiling! Mix the shadow with water or use a wet brush to apply it, and you'll get an amazing, opaque, intense color. It's fantastic for lining eyes (and I am traditionally a huge eyeliner-fucker-upper so you know it's easy.) Once it's dried on there, you can soften the edges with some dry powder or try to smudge it a bit to make it a little more subtle. It'll be pretty set on there, though.

(From the top: Star-Crossed from Shiro Cosmetics applied dry, Katniss from Bad Bitch Cosmetics applied dry, Star-Crossed applied wet, Katniss applied wet. BIG DIFFERENCE.)

- If you use the powder dry, it will be pretty subtle until you've built up a few layers. Just FYI. That's not always a bad thing, though.

- Loose powder is fiesty! Tap your brush on the container and then on your arm to get the extra off before you go near your eyelid. That's especially true if you have a wet brush- the dry excess will fall off when you're trying to paint and sprinkle your face. You'll probably sprinkle your face no matter what, so I recommend doing eyes before foundation and blush or anything like that.

- On primer: I don't use that shit. Whatever. Maybe I should? I only ever want the stuff to last a few hours while I go out and so far, it's been fine.

- Practice with the stuff before you actually have to go somewhere. That's probably common sense but that doesn't mean I do it, so maybe you don't either. But do.

Where to buy it
I bought my buttload of mineral shadows from:
BadBitchCosmetics (tons of super fun colors. Some have toxic ingredients, so pay attention. "Bowie" and "Black Swan" are gorgeous, and "Dime Piece" is a great liner color. Does awesome tiny sampler sizes.)
BLSoaps (lots of lovely neutrals.)
Shiro Cosmetics (Pretty colors, geeky themes, cult following. I am not in love with the sifter containers that they come in, but you can take the sift-y part out and just make it a regular container. I just wasn't getting enough out through the holes.)

Honestly, it seems like most of the homemade shadows are similar in terms of ingredients and efficacy- pay attention to the price vs. the size of the container vs. how awesome the colors are, because those are the things that vary.


How to make it
This is something I'd like to try someday- it seems easy enough, though you have to shell out for all the materials. Maybe I'll find someone who wants to go in on it with me. If I do get around to it, I'll report back.

I think that's it- if you guys have any useful tips I missed, let's hear 'em!